I know.

CW: Depression, mental health

I’ve just been laying low. Almost literally. Har. Depression got me in its grip pretty good again. This endless lockdown here in the UK is not helping. The uncertainty of the future is not helping. (Regarding the COVID-19 pandemic.)

I did receive my vaccine so there’s that. My arm was incredibly sore afterwards. I felt oddly eurphoric for a few hours then crashed in energy for 3 hours…and that was about it. But boy did my muscle hurt from that jab. Second vax in May.

That’s about it.

Okay then

Well, I managed to grab a new theme. Just decided to go with the first one I liked and not scroll too much.

We got some more snow here in London. I do love the snow. I put some monkey nuts out for the squirrels. Magpies come and steal some of them.

I couldn’t sleep well last night, just wide awake for no reason, so I got up for awhile, as I often do, but I did several word search puzzles as well. That was good. I also did a work out video today. My goal is to do one every day of the working week.

And I’m dressed. I also try to put on clothes for hanging out all day. We are still under lockdown, although you would almost never know due to many people’s attitudes about it. Out and about, often without masks, and not respecting social distancing. *sigh*

Ooo, almost time to feed the cats their tea. (British speak for dinner.) I don’t have anything riveting to say, but I did manage to change the theme and I decided to ramble a little as well. Cheerio.

Feh

CW: Depression and eating disorders

I know it’s been awhile. I’ve been slipping and sliding around depression. Isaac would like to know what he can do to help and I’m sorry. Not a lot he can do except support and love me while I’m in these difficult situations. Unless he could suck out all the bad thoughts and/or correct my imbalances.

It can be like trying to walk a marathon through 3.5 feet of water. Taxing.

And I can’t fully understand it sometimes. Even as in-touch as I am regarding myself, things happen and I just…know I can’t fight them. A good way to explain things is https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory. You never know how many spoons you have that day, or how long they will “last”.

Anyway. I am now on a waiting list for eating disorder therapy. It will be about 3 months. It’s going to be a huge deal as this has always been a huge problem in my life. I’ll just say it, bulimia. I suffer from bulimia. I have since I was young, 11 years old. I have wanted to seek help over the years but when I lived in USA therapy wasn’t covered by insurances. Well, okay. Excuse me. They would offer you 3 sessions. LOL. But sarcasm and irritation aside, I never could seek real help for it. It has been a very integral part of my life and my mental health and…I am looking forward to getting some real help with it, but I am also nervous and scared. So we shall see.

In other small news my Tonka boy was successfully neutered. No complications. He even took his pain meds like a champ. I do have a small problem of him and his Siamese sister named Bambera chasing two of the other cats. It’s annoying. I’m not sure how to stop that behaviour.

Well. I just ran out of a spoon. So I will sign off now.

Quickie

Just a quick one right now. I wanted to do a workout video earlier but then my cat wanted cuddles. It’s hard to push off any animal when they want cuddles but my boy was just neutered and microchipped yesterday so I really wanted to cuddle him. Now he’s curled up next to me, on a blanket, after having some pain meds.

I keep wanting to change this blog’s appearance but I start to scroll through the options and either feel a little overwhelmed, or I get sidetracked. One day I will get it done.

It snowed about 3 inches here in the Queendom on Sunday. It’s still around too! One of the more substantial snows we’ve had for awhile. I remember back in January 2016 spring arrived way too early. Magnolia trees were blossoming, for crying out loud. Awful about climate change. Spring has arrived way too early every year until now.

I have a few little chores to do. Got to get a wiper blade replacement done. Got to fix a drainage pipe which our patio guys cut off and didn’t bother to replace (we only discovered this too late to make them fix it themselves, which annoys.)

I mowed our lawn just before the “big blizzard”. Good timing. Coming from Colorado I have a lot to learn about lawns/gardening in this area. Mowing felt like I was in a swamp because the ground was so wet. It wasn’t fun. I also bought a new mower, so I hope that will be nice. And some waterproof shoes to mow in as well. Probably will have to get some wellies at some point but no big rush as long as the hiking boots I bought are waterproof.

And that’s about it. Time to do this ding, dang workout and get it over with.

Iron Hot, Strike

Sometimes you really should grab the muse by the horns because I felt like writing about an hour and half ago, and now…not so much. I put it off only because I was playing a video game and wanted to wrap up what I was doing. Oh well.

I know what I wanted to say, it’s just I’m back in an irritable mood. I woke up kinda irritated with the world, and then when I had to go out to the post office, I became even more irritated with people, and it’s hard to switch it off right now.

Anyway. I did want to write about something nice and positive. My mind was shuffling through random thoughts, as it does, and I wound up at this memory from when I was around 17 or 18 years old. I didn’t have a bank account then and I needed to send in money for something, and back in those days you would go get a Money Order from the supermarket. While waiting in the queue (line) I discovered a M.O. was going to cost a $1.50 fee. I only had one extra dollar on me. My then boyfriend and I were discussing what to do, and I suggested he go scrounge around in the car for extra change, when a lady tapped me on the shoulder from behind.

“Here, here’s a dollar fifty.” she said. “I remember what it was like to be young and just starting out. Please just take it.” I thanked her profusely. That was very kind of her and I appreciate it. The thought and the help. Also, it’s easy to forget sometimes how difficult life is when you’re starting out. You’re young, you don’t have things set up, adults tend to look down on you like a smear on their shoe. I vowed to never forget those feelings and it would be nice to help out others when I can.

Another memory popped up in the memory bank of going to an amusement park with aforementioned boyfriend. It was an ill-conceived idea which wasn’t properly researched beforehand so when we arrived we were shocked at the cost of admission.

Randomly…a middle aged lady and her family were heading out of the park when she suddenly stopped, turned around, and approached us. She was a member or something and had a coupon for Buy One, Get One Free admission. It was awesome of her to think of others and offer some help to strangers.

I’m sure there’s more, but I wanted to write about those memories which came to mind today. Kind people helping out when they can.

Right

CW: mental health

So it’s been a hodge podge of stuff. I’ve been struggling…but still trying. I finally rubbed two brain cells together and realised that if I’m sick of walking outside, I do have work out videos I like on You Tube. I have done a few now, so that’s better than nothing. We also need to get my treadmill fixed. A cat broke the plug so we have to change the plug.

Let’s see…so there’s the walking bit. OH! Ok. So I was moaning about how “regular” things of medical fall to the wayside due to Covid, and then after my eating disorder assessment last week, she really got the ball rolling. ROLLING. FAST. Suddenly I had blood tests, and an ECG (British for EKG), and a referral to a mental health team.

The weirdest thing about the mental health team referral is I received the phone call at 19:30 on Sunday night. !?! Anyway. The gentleman was nice but had a thick accent, and I am not…well, it’s difficult for me to process hearing. Especially without the advantage of getting to lip read. (Which is something else in this Covid world. You got people behind plexi-glass and masks…and sorry? What did you say? Pardon? Repeat that? *sigh*)

Right. So we shall see where this may lead. It sounds like they might at least find me some talk therapy. The therapy I mentioned from previous posts felt like it was offered as the be-all, end-all. As in go here and you’ll be cured, and also, if this doesn’t help you well, you are probably beyond help. Urgh. It can be difficult trying to explain without diving into real specifics and whatnot. I’m trying to remain general specifics here. Ha.

In the assessment for mental health last night, I did tell him why I didn’t think the previous therapy didn’t work. So that felt kinda good. To speak out and say Hey. This didn’t work, and this is why. Instead of feeling like a complete failure, like it was all your fault it didn’t work. I don’t know. Again, hard to explain well without lots of details.

So. Random stuff. I went for my ECG today and then hopped over to the supermarket afterwards (walking ((hopping)) distance) to buy some food stuffs. I also bought a word search puzzle book. I know I have a few around here but I’m not sure exactly where they are and it’s difficult to muster up energy to look when you’re depressed so I just effing bought a new one. £2.10 isn’t exactly breaking the bank anyway. I’ve already done a few of the puzzles. Word searches………..are not terribly mentally taxing or stimulating, but when you’re low on focus and mental energy due to depression, it’s something.

I think that’s about it right now. Going to get the vacuum out and clean up these crumbs in the lounge. (As the British say, I will do the hoovering.)

Not Going So Well

CW: eating disorders, depression

I’ve been having a difficult time this week. Depression hitting hard. Up most of the night, then sleeping nearly all day. Yelling at myself internally for doing that. That never helps, but I do it anyway.

I am a natural born night owl. So there is that. But my night owl-ness is more than socially acceptable so I try to adhere to a better schedule. Usually doesn’t work, especially when I want to sleep all day to avoid thoughts and feelings.

This lockdown, lockdown 3.5, isn’t helping either. Can’t go out and DO something. The thing we can do? Drive to get a take-out and come home and eat it. I’m sick of the sights in my neighbourhood, but there’s really no where else to go. Lots of people are out walking these days, which is nice but makes avoiding people due to Covid impossible. (Walking with a mask isn’t pleasant as I start wheezing for air.) There’s a nice lido we could walk around but I’m sure that’s crowded these days.

Anyway.

I kinda pushed thoughts of eating disorders (ED) to the back of my mind, in part because my previous therapy wanted it that way, and the appointment this week stirred things up a bit. I must say…my previous therapy, while better than nothing and it is helpful, may not have really helped me in the long run. I feel like I’m not supposed to TALK about my thoughts anymore. I’m just supposed to just fall in line and behave. It was psycho-anaylsis in a therapy community. I don’t think it really helps or works, if I’m honest. Well, not for me anyway.

We are all different. We can react differently to therapies. The person doing my ED assessment even said so. I fully understand and believe this. So, in hindsight, I do not believe my therapy was that successful for me. Which sucks because it was a 3+ year commitment and that is just time wasted. (I suppose…knowing what doesn’t work isn’t always a time waste but regardless.)

I wonder what the next therapy will bring. My assessor asked what I would like to get out of the programme/therapy and I was blank. Blank because I feel a bit defeatist and because I feel uneducated in ways to help ED.

You know what? My mind is racing in lots of different thoughts right now. Difficult to concentrate.

ETA: I just vented my frustrations to a friend. Regarding my previous therapy I managed to sum it up: Their therapies and community only works for a select few, with particular problems. They market themselves as being able to serve a large swathe of mental illnesses including eating disorders and that is wrong. In my opinion, it is very wrong. It is a niche setting for niche problems.

When I brought my issues up? I was told to bring it up in the community and groups. I did. Then I, and my issues, were ignored. I am annoyed and upset about this.

This is in the past though. I can’t change that, as much as I always want to. I need to re-adjust my head now for the future, and dig up some hope that things can be changed, things can be helped.

Here’s Your Receipt.

CW: Eating disorder appointment

I just finished my cry-fest appointment. Urgh. I am way too quick to cry. Crying comes easily to me. Stupid tears. Any emotion? BOOM. Waterworks. Ok, it’s not that bad but feels like it sometimes. Anyway, just finished my intake appointment. It was difficult. I hope I made sense. I hope I made all the important points I needed to. I kinda detached at times and just…zoned out a little bit, but did the best I could. I guess I should repeat that to myself…I did the best I could.

I have a follow up appointment in 2 weeks to discuss further treatment plans, etc.

There is one thing I really want to mention though. While I was crying, one of my cats, a flame point Siamese boy named Tonka, brought me a receipt. He knew I was upset, he heard my crying, and he grabbed whatever random thing he could find and brought it to me. Then he sat next to me the entire time. What a precious pud.

Also my husband and one of my friend’s have been checking in on me. While I don’t think I deserve it…it is sweet to remember, and a must to be grateful, for whatever support you receive.

I don’t know.

CW: Depression, animal loss

I’m just not feeling very inspired to write. Getting up in the mornings have become a monumental effort. To try and find mental energy you barely have is exhausting. And to a logical, reasonable brain, that may sound stupid. But we aren’t in logic and reason anymore, Toto.

I did suddenly flood some memories last night of precious animals I have lost in the past. Lots of pain from missing them, lots of grief, some guilt. For instance, (may as well press on while I’ve brought it up, even though I barely have the energy) back when I was working or in uni, I thought you had to be there at all times, never wavering from the job. Putting the job, classes, bosses, everything else above all, including and especially, yourself.

(Let me also interject and say that I had a massive breakdown while in uni and had to be hospitalised, and my uni handled it very well. They offered me some support, told me they will explain the big picture to my professors so they know ((not personal information)) and then all my profs were really kind and caring. I would simply like to add that because credit where credit is due for treating mental health like the real subject it is.)

Anyway. Before this I had a ferret who has been through a lot. I’ve had ferrets since I was 17 years old, and this was one of a gang at the time. Named Mordecai. We had been through a lot because basically the vet did a bad job of neutering him and he wound up with scar tissue cutting off his urethra. They did step up and did any surgeries for free, and also essentially “baby-sat” him during the day in case of emergencies while I was in classes. We removed the scar tissue, and then they put a little tube in there to encourage the urethra to regrow together. Apparently they do this for dogs a lot. After a lot of work and care and time, my sweet Mordecai pulled through.

But about 1.5 years later, I sensed something was off again. My then husband (ex now, just to be crystal clear) took him to the vet and turns out he was rapidly dying of liver cancer. I got the call on my mobile, and then returned to class with tears streaming down my cheeks. The professor, a really good one who I’ve had several classes with at that point, asked what was wrong and between him and some other classmates they convinced me to go.

I did go. And I barely reached the vet in time. I spoke to the vet at the situation, trying to bargain my way into saving him when she said “I’m sorry. Your brain knows it’s time, but your heart is having difficulty letting go.”

To put him to sleep they injected something into his stomach. I don’t know. I didn’t ask many questions, time was running out, and I was extremely emotional. I remember kissing him, and telling him how much I loved him and I will never forget him, and singing silly songs I would sing to him.

(One of them was Mordy Pordy kissed the girls and made them cry. Which is a play on that Georgie Peorgie song, and that’s why I had to change the name from George to refer to my sweetheart husband.)

I cried, but tried to hold back, and I stroked his beautiful fur. I watched his whiskers and nose twitch, and then he slipped away.

I’m a very sensitive soul, who also feels emotions very deeply. Add the cupfuls of mental illness and it can be really messy here. It hurts so much to think of my animals. To miss them. To feel like I may have done something wrong, or didn’t do enough. (This is what I like to call Emotional Cutting. My brain loves to torture me with these thoughts because it knows that’s what will hurt me every time.)

I miss all my babies. I’m having a really hard time even looking at pictures of Lethbridge right now, who we lost back in June. Isaac and I do reminisce about him, and I’m glad for that, but it always brings me to tears.

My…I don’t know what to call it…my sensitivity/emotions/mental health/brain can be described as follows: like the skin of a severe burn victim. Thin and easily hurt or damaged.

It can be really rough.

Phooey

Content Warning: Eating disorders.

So I don’t know. I started to fill out some “paperwork” ahead of my Zoom appointment next week for eating disorders clinic, and wow did it ever set me off. That was a little unexpected.

A thing about me is I am very acutely aware of my disorders. I mostly remember any and all traumas, I understand them, I know how they affect me, I am usually very aware of depression creeping in…it’s like I’m a fully functioning person, but paralysed, and so I know exactly what is being done to me, or is going on all around me. (Speaking of which, I do suffer from sleep paralysis and that is not fun either.)

The point is, I generally know what’s going on with me. Even understand it. But then there’s the other other part of me…which still gets blindsided. That’s been me all week. It has not been good nor fun. I’m muddling through the best I can, trying not to hate myself for it.

I now have a cat who is desperate for a cuddle and is needling me to death with her claws. I don’t have much else to really state at the moment.